QUICKSILVER (1986)
Yo, fuck Justin Gordon-Levitt son. You want a movie about bike messengers look no further than this classic piece of 80’s Kevin Bacon goodness. Complete with a dance scene…on bikes.
THE EXPENDABLES 2
I didn’t see the first Expendables but for this one, when you’re talking about a cast that includes Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Cluade Van Damme, Bruce Willis (who is apparently popping up in everything this year) and Arnold Schwarzenegger, not seeing it would be like going to Amsterdam and not getting high. This movie is like the cinematic equivalent to dining at a Planet Hollywood; loud, expensive, unhealthy and ultimately satisfying.
★★★★
PREMIUM RUSH
“I like to ride. Fixed gear. No brakes. Can’t stop. Don’t want to either.” Yeah, dude seriously said that out loud. I just can’t work my brain around who this movie is for, like, is it for serious fixie enthusiasts? Are they gonna have a critical mass down to the Loews and tailgate on the opening night of Premium Rush, anxious to get into the theater and see adrenaline fueled bike messenger Joseph Gordon-Levitt fight corrupt police in warehouses by knocking them in their noggins with the wheels of his fixed gear bike? I just don’t know, because I’m pretty sure that 13 year olds don’t give a shit about fixed gear bikes. I don’t even really know any thirty year olds who give a shit about fixed gear bikes. Fixed gear bikes are retarded. So by default, I guess it makes sense that they would make a retarded movie about them. I predict that this film will stand the test of time like a 90’s movie about rollerbladers. And, how about that Michael Shannon, way to ruin a pretty classy IMDB page there, buddy. Honestly, the fact that this movie exists makes me want to piss on infants.
No stars
THE HUNGER GAMES
This 1987 sci-fi action film based on the Stephen King story of the same name takes place in the distant future of 2017, where a totalitarian police state entertains the masses with ‘game shows’ that pit convicted criminals against each other in televised battles to the death. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as a former military pilot accused of a crime he didn’t commit being forced to participate in the deadly network game, The Running Man.
I’ll keep making this joke as long as Hollywood keeps setting me up for it.
★★★
G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
Its almost zen-like how little a fuck Bruce Willis gives about anything in the world at this point.
★
ATM
You know Drake is out there somewhere scratching his head like, ‘how is Josh the one getting all the movie roles? I mean, he was the fat one, I was the good looking boy next door type who played guitar that all the girls liked and the only leading part I ever got was in Superhero Movie. This is bullshit.’ I bet he’s on the phone with his agent right now. I’m also assuming that Josh and Jonah Hill have the same personal trainer.
Also I’m implementing a five star rating system for the trailers.
★★
CHRONICLE
I just picture the meeting that went on behind the scenes of this one. ”The kids love superheroes right? And people just love those hand held found footage nightmares that make everyone dizzy and haven’t been done right since the first one but cost us nothing to make and always manage to bring in millions of dollars, right? Oh and the tween girls are just upside down wide eyed and pussy wet for sissy faced faggot former baristas who couldn’t act like they had to take a shit if we held them at gunpoint, well…what if…and stay with me here…”
